toffeedream

here's a story, one of my favorites from childhood:

when i was 6, my mom took me and my cousin, ate d., for lunch to mcdonald's greenbelt, which was a few blocks away from her office. after wolfing down my meal, i went to the playplace and entertained myself with i don't know what. i remember snippets of those happy 30 minutes: i was wearing a red dress and would climb up the officer big mac climb-in jail and imagine it was my princess tower, ignoring the other kids, content with my imaginary world. i remember thinking, "wow that was so much fun, even if i was on my own" (i was usually with my brother t. who was a year younger than me, so solo playtime was rare), as i left the playplace to join my mom and ate d.

no one was at our table. i panicked. i decided to wait and see if they would come back -- maybe they'd just gone to the restroom. several families asked me if my table was free and i said "no" each time. after what felt like a year, i thought it would be wise to look for them in the bathroom. they weren't in front of the mirror, so i tried looking under the stall doors for familiar feet. none!

i walked out of the front doors crying. what now? why did they leave me? my mom would never. she would never. survival instincts kicked in and told me that i could walk back to the office on my own. i knew the way from looking out the car window every time my parents brought me to the office. but i had no grownup to cross the street with!

paseo de roxas (greenbelt side) looked like a freeway to me. i didn't know how i could cross it on my own. but i saw a family that was about to cross it and i thought that maybe i could pretend to be part of them and pretend to be holding the hand of one of the grownups.

it worked! after crossing, i broke away from them and walked briskly toward my mom's office. it was only about 6 blocks away, but i was terrified that anything could happen. every time i had to cross a street, i'd discreetly wait for a grownup to try doing it and pretend i was holding their hand. i was crying by the time i got to our elevators, and when i burst through the office doors, i sobbed, "mom left me!"

everyone was surprised and worried. this was the ancient times before cellphones and pagers, so no one had any way of confirming where my mom was, and they were worried that she was panicking, too. five minutes after my dramatic entrance, though, my mom came bursting through the doors in similar fashion and declared, "i've lost s.!"

i disintegrated when i hugged her. "where WERE you???" couldn't tell if it was her or me who said that. i explained everything i'd done, how i tried to stay calm and look for her in my systematic way. she said she and ate d. had just gone to the bathroom and that they came back to the table and waited for me, then they looked for me at the playplace when i hadn't come back. i don't know why i didn't see their feet when i looked for them in the bathroom. maybe it was a comical sequence of timing that confused us. but that's what happened and my mom never left me and she never lost me.

+++

last night, r. took me climbing for the first time. i was afraid that i would embarrass him with my physical weakness, but also excited to try what i believed to be a really cool sport.

he did it first. he used to climb competitively when he was in high school (and i think maybe even early college) so it was like an easy familiarization with an old friend for him. he looked amazing scaling the intermediate wall, his limbs lightly stretching and bending over the scattered holds, it took my breath away.

it was my turn. g. told me how to start and gave me a few tips. i felt heavy and as if my body was a weapon i couldn't wield properly -- everything about me was askew. i tried keeping their tips in mind, listening to them as they told me which limbs to put on which holds, but i reached a point where my body would listen to me no longer. i had to come down.

i tried again and again and always stopped at the same height, about the same height as the roof of my house. i never reached the top. i was so frustrated and heartsick. my arms kept getting tired, which was a sign that i was doing it wrong and clinging to the holds too much (you're supposed to use your legs more), and my feet just wouldn't place themselves properly when repositioning was necessary. i felt defeated and embarrassed. tears rolled down my cheeks.

r., however, was super happy that i was even trying, and he kept telling me that i was doing great for a beginner. i was just disappointed that i couldn't do more -- i think i wanted to impress him with competence. the last time i tried, i leaned back into the rope to be lowered down, but clung to it and spun around so that i hit the wall with my shoulder. it hurt so bad, but not as much as my ego.



we made a date for next tuesday to try again. i want to try again because i know i can at least reach the top one day. i want to climb higher and higher, and defeat all these fears and trust issues that i have. climbing is the perfect sport for you to get over these things. i simply have much to get over, that's why i'm having a hard time, but the will to keep trying is there, and i'm holding on to that.

+++

there is such a reluctance to let go and trust. it's what's been hindering me all this time from doing more and feeling happier. the people i love and who love me would never leave me behind or let me fall. i must always keep that in my heart.