a US holiday, but one that i think should be broadened into a universal day for gratitude.

THANK YOU FOR:

1. my Kuala Lumpur- Singapore trip earlier this year and the friends who were involved in it: Nina, Dots, Otilia and Francesco, Thomas and Katrin, Denice and Mike, Mich and JC and Melanie. i love you guys.
2. meeting new friends from different parts of the globe
3. my fulbright and PiA friends and those who've connected me with them: Helen, Ryan, Jaja and Roy
4. the SeVin connection and discussions on songwriting and extreme leaps in creativity
5. getting the chance to perform with idol bands like Outerhope and +/-
6. civic organizations who take up the slack in caring for fellow Filipinos
7. rackets that have enabled me to sustain my freelance existence
8. learning experiences that have caused me to take stock of the blessings in my life
9. trials for the family that have enabled us to see how strong we are and the amazing stuff we're capable of (I LOVE YOU!)
10. the children in our lives: grac (owel and nice), isabel (gary and g), trista (ayn and jeff), nona, khalil, kaizar, sofie, jakey, joe (beefy).
11. ang bandang shirley and its solid friendship/career
12. etc friends: joanne, che and danice
13. zig as an instrument for immense change in my life: he got me into a company i really love. o, lovelife ko naman ang tulungan mo! nagawa mo for heidi and melvene hahaha!
14. solo gigs courtesy of kathy, xavier, popoy and marius. my gosh, i had no idea this would ever happen to me.
15. crazy UG kids who got me in touch with my youthful side and have been the cause behind so many fun and memorable nights
16. mia and carljoe
17. DSM Manila ♥
18. new friends at work and those whom i've met through them. you guys rock.
19. the experience of being alone and what i've learned about myself through it
20. feelings that result in notebook flowers and chattering teeth
21. learning to cook

♥

Outerhope's "A Day for The Absent" Pre-launch Party, November 21, 2009
Cubao

20 years from now...

:|

a distant ancestor of "polygonal graphs", i think. teehee.

i love the cheekiness of the video -- how they use simple actions against a white backdrop to play out the story. also, i adore the girliness of jarvis cocker here.

i wanna give you children! YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

i've missed shirley. i remember when we first came out with our album and were fielding so many interviews, there came a point where we were all kind of tired of answering the same questions. but what was fun about guesting on myx setlist today was the interview part, more than the performances (patintero/habulan/larong kalye, sa madaling salita, xmas lights, nakauwi na and taksil). it was great hearing everyone else answering for a change, and fun to address questions sent in through chat by fans, no matter how weird they were (the questions, not the fans).

i think it allowed us to assess how far we've come since putting out "themesongs" and what we plan to do for the future. it reminded us what we liked about our album, what we love about the way we make our music, what we love about each other. it was too bad owel, zig and kathy couldn't be there -- i just know it would have been ten times the fun if they'd been there.

my upcoming weekends are going to be pretty intense. i might not be able to fulfill all my commitments. i think i'm still getting used to a greater utilization of my energies, and again there will be a need to streamline.

ok, so finally kanina inamin ko kay zig kung sino yung crush ko sa Funhouse, tapos ang hirap kasi ayoko nga sanang sabihin dahil gusto ko pang matuwa at wag munang makarinig ng reality-check-type info. sabi ko, "nasa pedestal pa siya eh." sabi naman ni owel, "eh sabi mo, 'it's lonely on that pedestal.'" so dahil pansamantala akong nabaliw o nalito at naisip kong ayoko namang iwan si pomo na lonely (hahaha), sinabi ko kay zig para makababa na siya.

sabi ni zig, it's too late, baby, now it's too late, in a very un-karen carpenter-like manner; may ibang pinopormahan si pomo, as i suspected. pero ok lang naman dahil na-feel ko nga na yun yung case, since may isang communicator message na umalerto sakin nang hindi ko maiwasang basahin. so ang weird ng mga naramdaman ko: halong relief, dismaya at "oks lang"-kibit-balikat. mabubuhay naman kasi ako, kasi feeling ko naman kahit hindi pala si pomo, pwedeng ibang tao naman (in or out of the Funhouse), basta alam kong parating na siya. nararamdaman ko na kasi na palapit na talaga, in the same way na alam kong palapit na ang pasko: umiiba ang hangin, dumadalas ang ngiti, tumatagal ang maaliwalas na pakiramdam.

sabi ni zig, "pakiramdaman natin. malay mo." pero sabi ko ayoko na rin naman kasing sirain yung mga mabuting pagdaloy ng mga bagay-bagay. hindi ko naman kailangang manira ng kasiyahan kung patungo na dun yung ibang tao.

so nung nagpaalam na kami kay owel at paakyat na kami ni zig ng elevator, pinagalitan ako ni zig. "ba't kasi ngayon mo lang sinabi eh."

"ang hirap eh! hindi ko alam kasi kung pano... tsaka gusto ko lang ma-feel yung simpleng kilig muna. kasi kung sasabihin ko na sayo, ibig sabihin seryoso na at magpapatulong na ako!"

"eh kasi kung sinabi mo sa'kin kaagad, e 'di natulungan pa kita!"

"ha? paano?"

"eh kasi, 'tong si ___, nung una niyang nalaman na tanggap ka, naexcite pa yun eh."

"HA? hindi nga." walang masabi. MEMA. "ziiiiig, ano yun? what do you mean? tell me!"

evil zig grin.

nung una, hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako dun or sobrang malulungkot. another close encounter that ended up in... well, i don't know exactly yet, but slyly read communicator messages and even a solid confirmation of the presence of somebody else don't exactly spell a promising romance. pero ngayon, di mapigilang ngumiti at magkaroon ng maliit na talon sa bawat hakbang.

so bahala na. masaya pa rin. and love will come to me in some form or another.

happy things:

- shirley practice yesterday at my house was fantastic. it was too bad that ean was sick at home with the flu, but that meant i got to play guitar. we practiced for our stripped down set on wednesday. it was so much fun. heidi brought gummi worms!

- zig was going to play basketball with officemates at a gym on shaw blvd. so i asked to come along. it was an opportunity to get to know more colleagues, and it was fun to watch a little bball again, too. we picked joe up afterwards and had some kebab while joe told us csb horror stories.

- i woke up early today and went for a walk in UP. my skin was drinking up the sun, and teenage fanclub songs made my heart feel so light and summery. i'm a morning person, definitely. i should do this every chance i get. other days, when i wake up too late, i'll probably just do pilates. but i really need to keep moving somehow.

i lost my saturday. i arrived from a wonderfully special birthday party for saki (where i bonded with gino, as well as mimcy, japs and nen, and met the amazing max, who almost proposed marriage to me, except he was gay), dead tired and irritable. i snapped at my brother and unexpectedly burst into tears. the black was loneliness.

i slept the entire day. and night. i woke up today at 11am still wearing what i went to work in last friday. that would be gross, but for now it feels more disturbing than anything else.

woke up yesterday from a dream where i was the heroine of a zombie apocalypse, and i had a faceless man at my side to love me and bed me. this morning, i woke up from a dream where an old friend showed up at my doorstep and simply said, "i'm ready."

the changes in my life are pushing and pulling on me. i'll come out of this intact.

i recently wrote two private entries about my paranoia that i'm not coming off as friendly or approachable. i've now realized the true cause: newbie anxiety.

to illustrate my point, i'd like to recall the last time i felt this way, which was when i first joined ang bandang shirley in may 2006. the urban legend that some shirley fans know so well now is how i'd practically begged owel on the shirley yahoogroups to let me become a full-fledged member of the band. after that, i had this nagging feeling that maybe i'd forced him into it because i made a public appeal instead of speaking to him privately.

for a few months hence, i was a nervous wreck. i had asked to be a "background singer," meaning i had to know how to harmonize with owel's established melodies. at the time, i considered myself unable to make up melodies due to countless failed attempts at songwriting... to say, "yes, i can harmonize" was a crazy leap of the imagination -- and faith. but i agreed to it because i so badly wanted to be a part of ang bandang shirley and i was willing to try anything even at the risk of making a fool of myself. for a while after that, i was always agonizing over whether i sang correctly at a gig or whether i was bonding well with bandmates, whether they liked me or not. i felt like i badly needed to justify my presence in the band since there were already so many members when i joined and all the conventional positions had been filled before i asked owel to let me be part of it.

eventually, of course, i proved that i belonged, not just musically but in every way: intellectually, humor-wise, in terms of goal alignment, etc. but i had to go through that uncertain period first before knowing i was a perfect fit. i remember the moments when i felt the click, though: kathy and i raving about death cab for cutie; owel, zig, kathy and i singing along to outerhope's "sky high blue" as it played on odette's radio; laughing at ean's bastos jokes in the jingmobile; seeing joe's sweetly romantic side; sharing The Secret with heidi; jing's big-brother moments during heartbreak cries in his car. those were exquisite!

remembering all of these made me recognize that this was the same feeling i was having with my new job. although i've transitioned fairly well (how can you not with a company like this?), sometimes i can't help but worry about what my colleagues think of me, or if i'm totally getting everything i see. but now i know it's because this matters to me so much, i want this so much.

and that's perfectly acceptable. in fact, it makes all the anxiety magically disappear.

+++

office communicator happiness

si zig yung gumawa ng unang 3 emoticon combos, tapos dinagdagan ni gino.